Friday, February 23, 2007

where an ending marks a new beginning...

cancer can kiss my ass

Sunday, February 11, 2007

“Life is like a Pizza, you can be given the whole thing and be satisfied or you can be given a slice and be thankful that you got one. Sometimes the slice is respected more than the whole Pizza.”KOCSIS


in which I have been given the ability to question the most simple(or maybe quite complex) concepts.It seems to me as if humans are programmed to be blind to their own mortality(either that or we are programmed not to dwell on it unless the need may arise if it arises at all), for would it not be a complete frenzy if we all knew our day of death? We would at least see our life in a different perspective. Maybe it’s some kind of safety buffer built into us that prevents complete chaos from occurring? We seem to laugh, pshh, or whisper such topics away as if it is some sort of taboo. The way we deal with death is seemingly not to talk about it but ironically it’s one of the most amazing things that happens to us. However it’s something that we may not ever completely understand so we are afraid or just don’t think about it. In other words, "We tend to ignore things of great importance when we dont quite understand it, We are not being blind or ignorant, we just don't know some things"
Well I kid you not, this cancer experience has taught me more than any course, degree, diploma, or certificate ever will. It clues you into a bit more of the true picture of earth. It almost seems as if many people(like I was before this) can go on and live life and be completely blind to a certain concept of it. It’s kind of hard to explain. Nobody knows for sure what lies ahead for us after we die(maybe something or nothing) However what I have come to realize is that Heaven and Hell seem to be a place(s) on earth, hence the fact that some people may relate it to an afterlife concept. The reason I say this is because I have experienced both to some extent. My Cancer experience has made me realize how people deal with the concept of death. Many are afraid and ignore the reality of it as a way to cope with it but from my perspective it has obviously been a very true concept and yes is it ever scary. I don’t care how “tough” or “cool” one may dress or act, when death is knocking at your door it ain’t gonna help one bit.
Cancer has definitely led me to question my faith and the concept of how people may relate it to religion. The only concept that I can come up with is that they may be two different things. For example, my faith has been strengthened throughout this experience but my religious thoughts are just everywhere/nowhere(if that makes sense) The reason I say this is because It has opened up my mind to the diverse religious beliefs that exist in our global society and gosh does every group have a different concept of it. But the fact is that we don’t know what lies ahead of us after death and we didn’t just come out of nowhere, hence the term faith. You can have faith and not be religious and/or you can have faith and express it in a religious type of concept. But can one have faith without a religion? Maybe but one idea I have of it is: It takes wings for an airplane to fly but the magic of it is hard to explain. Humans are on earth but the magic of it is hard if not imposible to completly explain. Either way, believe it or not, it's happening. Have some "faith/trust" in what may have put all of us here onto Earth.
A lot of people believe/don’t believe in God based on the good or bad things that may have happened to them in life. All I have to say about that is Shit happens and Orgasmic things happen. It’s just part of life. Some may experience more of one than the other. Accept it move on and don’t think that’s all there is to it. It is more complex than that. “If there is an intelligence that we owe our existence[possible next existence] to it is so far beyond our understanding that all religions and philosophies are completely [right]wrong about it”Sometimes and many times I wonder, what is it all for? What is the meaning(s) of life? Why do we have to die? Are we just passing from one state of consciousness to another? After experiencing such greatness on earth why do we have to leave it?(but don’t get me wrong, for every great thing there seems to be a bad somewhere on earth) No one can honestly tell you they have the answer. These questions may only have personal meaning and may never be completely answered in the human form. Yes we are physically limited by many things such as gravity, temperature, and oxygen tolerances but it seems to be of little nuisance to those who are not aware of the vast universe and beyond.Finally, there are many detrimental diseases, but everyone fears just cancer. If cancer does not happen to you don’t worry, there are over 6000 illnesses and diseases that may. Nobody lives in the end which leads me to a piece that I found on another website: “The fact that I beat cancer shouldn't give anybody hope about their own mortality. We're all gonna die, and everybody we know is going to die. That you can't beat it. No, if I had my way, I would rather people saw all this and said to themselves, "Oh man, I'm really gonna die one day." I mean, it's really going to happen. I just dodged it this time, that's all. I'm going to live my life a little bit longer than nature intended. So, again, rather than giving hope to people, I would rather this all alarmed people. I would rather that this freaked everybody out and they all ran out of their offices and their apartments and found somebody to love, and something to live for, and complained less, and enjoyed each other more.”

Saturday, December 09, 2006


“without division there is no growth” can be applied to everything from a simple cell that makes up our body to the conflicts that exist in our society today. I've questioned the inequality or un-equalness that exists on this earth that people may face without even knowing it, I would not have noticed this until my recent illness. I’m sure this has been said before but I do agree with the whole “we all have a purpose in life concept” whether it would be to become the next Bill Gates or the next bum on the street. it’s all for a purpose. Whether you live for 1 second or 100 years it doesn’t matter because it’s just a measurement of time(which I have also questioned). In society we say that it’s currently the year 2006 and we don’t seem to really think much more about it. The earth is clearly older than 2006 years. I recently just thought of what number was before year 0 (assuming it's year 2006), and how did someone come up with counting time and the whole calendar thing in the first place(supposedly about 40 calendars used in the world today!)? I've been trying to Google it and I feel the best answer which can start to explain this is "a calendar exists to organize units of time to satisfy the needs and preoccupations of society. In addition to serving practical purposes, the process of organization provides a sense, however illusory, of understanding and controlling time itself. Thus calendars serve as a link between mankind and the cosmos."
I really feel that there is a higher power that created man kind, that is one of the few thing that goes without question because we had to appear from somewhere or something. Going back to the quote “without division there is no growth” it led me to the other thought that yeah the reason why there is war and oh I belong to this religion or no this is right and that is wrong is because man became to question things in the first place. Since the beginning of time one man thought this and another that and hence the division into different beliefs and hence the quote “without division there is no growth.” If everyone agreed with everybody right from the beginning than man would not have made the progress that it has come to today.
You may question a higher power to why this has happened and why that has happened. it would seem silly to ask the higher power why he gave us the ability to question things in the first place. It’s just part of the creation of humans. Just imagine where we would be today if we didn’t have the ability to question things. Very little so called progression or evolvement would be made on earth.
But in the end nothing really matters. It doesn’t matter if you may become this or that or live this long or that long, ultimately all that matters in my opinion is the relationship that one may have with the higher power, it seems as if this is done in many ways and forms throughout the world today and no one really knows what’s “on the other side”
A priest once mentioned that(and we laughed but it’s true) he would rather become ill so that he has time to prepare and reconcile himself with the higher powers. It would also give you time to reflect on life and find your purpose. And one may say oh I’ll do that when the time comes that I get ill, but who is to say that you will get ill and not be the healthy guy who died in a car accident. I don’t know it may just be personal preference or idea but I would rather prepare for something just like you may want to prepare for that exam that one may write in school.
It has come to me to think back on my 22 years of life and I am very grateful for it. I pretty much got to do everything that I ever dreamed of which includes getting my commercial pilot license. One may think well you haven’t got to pilot this or that yet or go here or there yet but it can ultimately just be a ladder that you climb that may never end. Always striving for more success and satisfaction is seemingly what many humans may want to do but really my main goals in life have been achieved. And I may then ask myself than what is the purpose in my life, is that it or is there more to my personal puzzle? This only God knows.
It’s crazy how all this has been written but I am grateful to have the ability to question and appreciate the most simple concepts of what humans call EARTH.

Thursday, November 23, 2006


Firstly, I appreciate those who have tried to get in touch with me. It has been a crazy ride so far and hope to get in touch with you all in the future:)
I haven’t wrote anything on this Blog really since I started it so I wrote some journal entries in the past month or so to give you all some insight as to what is going on:

Oct 1- So I figure I will share some of the recent side effects: Pulled out a clump of hair today, hair has thinned out but still not bald. I last weighed in at almost 195lbs! that’s a 20lb increase within 1 year, went for a 10km walk today.
Oct 12- I am writing from London, Ontario. now, moved here about a week ago from St Thomas. Anyways I pretty much went for a 15km walk today, pretty much pulled out all of my pubes.
Oct 19 - Doctor says it looks like I had Iron deficient Anemia and it is gradually improving
(hemoglobin was as low as 113 now hovering around 120. Norm is about 155). Seems like I’m 2/3 done Yeah let’s do it! Yeah GRRR!
Oct 31- well here’s a little update. Firstly, I can’t believe I’ve gone through 4 cycles of this stuff! I had a CT scan done to show progress and I will find out more about that in a couple days. I walked 20KM a few days ago. On a positive note, I think it’s safe to say that my bowel movements are getting back to normal, I also bought a joystick today so I will be getting into some flight simulator practice again.
Nov 7- I think I am starting to go insane after exactly four months since I started chemo. I recently noticed that liquid vanilla extract smells and looks exactly like a flat rye and coke, Ha! Reminds me of the good times in u-city.
Nov 12- Would like to mention that yesterday evening I had a huge energy trip for about an hour. I was standing on my head, clapping, singing, jumping over the couch like a frog, lifting my bed, dresser and other heavy items, made dinner..t’was crazy!
Nov 13- last night I pretty much lost all my armpit hair and today I pretty much lost all the hair off my left leg.
Nov 14- so after 9 months of not lifting weights or working out I finally started going to the gym, lifted some weights, treadmill, sauna, hot tub, and even swam a few laps. Total 2.5hr duration, I’m impressed. It’s time to get buff. Also lost a bit of hair off the left side of my head.
Nov 15- did the whole gym thing again except this time with more intensity. Eg, swimming 6 laps, doing way more sets of weights…, duration stayed 2.5hrs. Also lost hair off my right leg and some off my chest today. Overall trend is improving.
Nov 17- I am starting to feel the after effects in my chest muscles from working out so I took er easy and did 30min in the sauna.
Nov 20- so my pulse is currently 171! Only beating over twice as fast as my normal resting rate. Just got back from the gym and yes once again on the up trend, this time swimming 12 laps, running 25min…total duration 3hrs
Nov 22- Sore achy muscles and bones last night and today. Well either the neupogen (medication) kicked in hardcore last night or I over exercised a couple days ago, likely a combination of both. So I’ve been reading up on exercise a bit and found out with no surprise that exercise with too much intensity can actually be less effective and potentially more harmful than something a little less to moderate, so I think I’ll keep my sessions to 2.5hr max. So I stared at a pond for two hours, it was cleansing. I bought a lottery ticket, it wasn’t a winner but I’m keeping it for good luck because it had the words “cure” and “aviation” on it.
Nov 23- Ok so I kicked and punched the crap out of a boxing bag at the gym today, it was fun. But note to self: wear some kind of glove next time or else deal with some bruised knuckles, ha! On a more critical note, I found out a missing piece of the puzzle today. The largest original mass in my chest was 6*12*….7cm. So with that being known we can say there was 40% shrinkage(of the largest mass), rest of the areas GONE! after 3.75cycles.(note that the center of the tumor was dead before I even started treatment because it “suffocated” and there will be remaining “scar tissue” left over due to the original size of the mass.) Next CT scan is about 3 weeks from now. 3 weeks from now will also mark the end of my 6 Cycles of Chemo.
Dec 6- well i'm feeling normal, kinda bored sometimes A.K.A lots of time to think and question everything, anyways hopefully this chemo crap is over soon.
Dec 7- well freakin all right! Just bought a DQ Blizzard to celebrate the first snowfall of the season. It felt so good to have the strong crisp wind bashing my face.
Dec 8- It hasn’t snowed like this in London, Ontario in about 30 years! T’was about 3 feet accumulation. I am also a little concerned about having a high blood pressure and being 200lbs. I think it may be time to get back to the gym.
Dec 9- steroid trip I think, wanted to lift the car, lifted items ranging from 120-180lbs, went to gym earlier on today as well. Buff what?
Dec.13- These energy trips are starting to become more frequent, must be a good sign. I lifted the couch and other heavy items. Hgb 134, slowly but surely still on the rise. oh yeah.
Dec 18- went for a 22km walk.
Dec 21- better do a little update here. Well I had a couple glasses of red wine a couple days ago and my face broke out into a rash, am I allergic to alcohol now?! Also got a call from the docs office saying that my appointment has been put ahead a week and the doctor needs to see me, I of course freaked out because I figured why see me a week early? Turns out they just needed to see me to plan my next phase of treatment called Radiation, yeah sounds dangerous but I guess we gotta do what we gotta do. It also turns out(seems like a lot of things are just “turning out”) that my left lung was partially collapsed when I was initially diagnosed, well that’s good to know. It would also be good to know what is going on with my CT Scans, it seems as if the interpreters are having issues interpreting it, come on now I thought that was there job, to interpret the scans. I guess we’ll find out soon what’s up in more detail. I am also scheduled for a PFT(lung test to see how my lungs are doing) and another Gallium Scan(to see if it can still be used as a potential method for “follow up” scans) On a final note, Winter sure seemed to be a short one so far around here. It lasted about 3 days.
Dec 27- went for about a 3hr walk today, it wasn’t too long but it felt so good. In my walks I’ve noticed that I observed the simplest things and am so amazed by them. I also feel fat or shall we say jolly this evening as I am +200lbs.
Dec 31- Shaved my eyebrows, because come on how many guys shave their eyebrows? Had to do it once in my lifetime. It will also bring me good luck for the new year!
Jan 4- A beautiful +8 Celsius today. The trees are beginning to bloom and the grass is green, I guess this redefines Winter for us in this part of the world. Did 20km walk today.
Jan 7- spasm in muscle or nerve in my neck and a bit of right side of chest this morning. Hmm, as much as I would like to, it may be best if I don’t lift heavy objects for a while.
Jan 10- Winter temps are back but no where near the Arctic like -50.
Jan 25- O-my-gosh I just lost my nuclear virginity. Hgb skyrocketing up to 154!
Jan 26- A-bomb treatment is well underway, a little fatigue and nausea has set in and I am weighing in at 205lb. I am expecting to get another 18 bombs.
Jan 30- Hgb blast off up to 185!(this is almost beyond normal)
Feb 5- YES! This morning I finally got to re-experience -32C like temperatures. O yes it brings back some memories for sure BUT still can't compare to the -49C like temperature today in Winnipeg(but close).

Saturday, September 16, 2006

"Getting cancer is like having somebody hold a gun to your head, it doesn’t matter if you’re the most popular healthiest guy in the world or the quiet guy who gets a cold all the time, if the gunman(cancer) is going to shoot, it just doesn’t matter."


ABOVE Fisher Stevens: Filmaker/Actor, DJ Qualls: You may know him as the skinny Kyle from "Road Trip".
  • Delta Goodrem
  • : Australian Celebrity born in '84 like me(Do we have a match?)
    BELOW Sean Swarner: First Cancer Survivor to climb Mt. Everest.(On Practically one lung!)

    Paul Allen(LEFT): cofounder of Microsoft with Bill Gates. Charles Lindberg(CENTER): Famous aviator, the first pilot to successfully fly the Atlantic nonstop in 1927. Mario Lemieux(RIGHT): Retired as a top player in the US National Hockey League (NHL).

    BELOW (left)Martin Fry: 80's Pop Singer in the group ABC.
  • Barry Watson
  • : Stared as Matt Camden on the WB series 7th Heaven.

    Thursday, July 27, 2006

    Hey Folks, sorry for being a bit behind in keeping you all updated on this surreal journey. I’ll try to re-cap things a little:
    May 17- Receive my dream job at Kivalliq Air in Winnipeg, MB
    May 25- Along with night sweats I have recently been having, I now notice a small lump in my left collar bone area. Went to a walk-in clinic, had blood tests which reveals suspicions. Doctor tells me to wait a couple weeks.
    June 12-15 Walk-in clinic doctor promptly sends me to se an Oncologist which reveals that with the combined blood test, chest x-ray, and CT Scan that I have some type of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It’s time to fly back to London, Ontario to get treatment.
    July 27- Cycle 1, Complete! Doctor’s Are estimating another 5 cycles followed by a month of Radiation.

    Thursday, July 06, 2006

    Pilot, Hodgkin's Survivor John Kocsis, To Star in New Website!